This weekend has been tailored around self-reflection, and I need to maintain this mindset for what I’ve learned. It started on Friday evening, when someone I care for told me some acknowledgments about how they view me, and it hurt. It hurt because I realized there was truth in what I was hearing, and the things that were true aren’t desirable. Coming from this person especially, whom I care for, admire and respect. I need to fix this.

I’ll focus on the problem areas identified during this conversation that resonated with me. I have a tendency to seek compassion from people, I don’t entirely know why. This is a problem. Maybe it’s due to the lack of love and personal freedom I’ve experienced throughout my life, a long side when I care for someone I want them to also be able to care for me, which manifests in a desire for compassion. I should not be seeking compassion from people unduly, and I believe now I inadvertently have defaulted to this state of mind for particular people and situations. This isn’t always the case, some days are more level and normal, but this does arise more often then not. I need to identify what a level and normal day is. I also believe there may have been some conditioning here, I like when people are compassionate. It shows care, which makes me feel good. Thus, maybe I’ve gone on this subconscious compassion seeking mindset in attempts to feel good about interactions with certain people.

Another problem area I agree with is uncertainty. I need to be more confident, and sure of myself in my interactions. I do believe I have made strides here over the last year, however I still need to improve here and it has been difficult. When I interact with people for the most part I’m always speculating their perspective. How do they feel about this? What words can I say to bring an easy going conversation? What words should I say in general? I do feel this uncertainty stems from social anxiety, it is complicated for me to bring elegance to verbal on the spot interaction. My mind races from the thoughts being encountered, and from there depending on the interaction I feel this exposes uncertainty. After these unplanned interactions I’ll spend hours speculating and reflecting, sometimes creating my own conclusion. I need to continue improving upon my self-esteem. To do this I need to minimize negative thoughts towards myself, and maintain focus on optimism.

It’s amazing the changes you’ll seek to make when someone you truly care about opens your eyes through their actions and words. These events were a catalyst for me to seek improvement and change within myself. I’ve always thought about seeking a therapist to try and work through psychological issues, such as the ones above, but it wasn’t until this when I decided to make that a reality. I want to improve, not just for you, but also for me. Maybe once I do, things will be different and better for us I hope, as well as better for me.